Right now I’m obsessed with reading pro-ED stuff online. I have disordered eating, and have had problems with binge eating, food hiding, and hoarding weirdness since I was a kid. I’ve always been fat, too, except for a short time about five years ago when I seemed to have it under control, and over a period of a couple years I lost a hundred pounds. Since then I’ve gained it back – plus fifteen-ish more pounds for good luck *wink*.
In defense of my current extra fatness, I haven’t been able to do much physical activity over the last few years because of my lupus. I steadily declined in what was able and/or willing to do when the pain started to get overwhelming to the point where I would leave the hospital after a twelve (thirteen, really) hour shift hunched over and limping. That was around three years ago. Lupus also causes depression, or in my case, having had a single-episode of Major Depressive Disorder for my entire life, it really ramped up my depression game.
That pain and fatigue cost me a nursing internship two years ago that I was forced to leave because I was unable to complete what was required of me, and it cost me my dignity and self-esteem as well as a new career track. The lupus has taken my autonomy in ways that make me feel hopeless. I could tell you a lot about that internship and the ways it made me miserable, especially because I didn’t know at the time that I could have been treated for that pain and exhaustion. I wasn’t diagnosed with lupus until a little over a year ago – August of 2017 was when the definitive testing came back, but not until after I was debilitated to the point where I could barely walk.
Here I am now, fat lady, tired lady, looking for a job that I can actually do without accommodation for my hilarious disabilities, and reading about other people’s disordered eating. I am all over the place right now emotionally, and I’m having trouble finding balance. I feel compelled to make a list of all the crazy thoughts running through my brain, but like to ride the thought train, so every idea becomes a tangent.
Here’s to wishing for better thought patterns, better behaviors, and regaining autonomy.